Sex, Lies, Tennis and other things

So much to dish about!

Sex- I set someone up with one of G's single friends....his request was basically that she had two legs and a brain. Lucky for him she had two legs, two arms, two boobs, a brain AND looks. He asked her out for a second date and because she already had plans with some friends, he got all pissy. Jerk. No sex for him I'm sure- he hasn't called her back, I had invited them to a BBQ this weekend prior to this story and they both showed up- it was interesting. I wanted to roast some nuts for an appetizer but G said no. Apparently I'm an awful matchmaker and I'm not going to do it again- I don't like it when people I like are rude to other people I like. I was really at a loss last night as to how to behave- just felt so uncomfortable.

Lies and Tennis- We have a new pro. He's hot. But he's a kid so I refer to him as adorable. Seriously. But still- I came home and told Graham how cute this boy was, and Graham listened and then we moved on to the next subject. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I'm picking up balls and we start talking because he heard me speaking in Spanish on the phone- turns out he's Australian/Swedish/Spanish and can speak many languages. We start talking about tennis in Spanish and all the women just stare at us. Seriously he was telling me not to turn turn my arm so much, something about my daughter and how cute she was and that was it. I got back to the chairs to get my racquet and EVERYONE wanted to know what we were talking about. These women are in their late 30s, 40s and 50s and they are worried about a kid speaking to ME!? I laughed and said 'oh nothing...' just because that's how I can be. If you ask a stupid questions, or make a stupid assumption, you will get a stupid answer, or better yet, one that will make your head spin a little. I come home and told the husband about it and he was like 'those betties'. Oh and when they saw my husband they all said 'THAT is your husband?!' as in "I can't believe he's with you!'. I mean seriously, I wanted to say a million things but I just said yeah....why say it like that? I am not a double bagger! Why shoot me down!?

So in a nutshell, I got them back for that comment. Take that!

And tomorrow I have tennis again- can't wait to see what happens...if anything at all. I tell ya I found someone else's blog who is a tennis junkie and well, I can't wait to read her stories!! If I could only find her link again!! UPDATE so it comes up in my bloglines! :) Please! :)

Other things- I hate math- and my daughter has to finish these books on fractions. Can I tell you that's the part I hate most about math!? And how sad, I can't figure out third grade fraction multiplication, division, etc!? That blows. I got through school 'cause I always converted them to decimals and that was my secret- but if I even tried to explain that to J, I'm sure her head would spin. I deferred to the husband, who thank God is a math whiz. I am truly pathetic.

J started her swim camp today and I've never felt so stressed out in my life- these were the thoughts going through my head:

• Did she drown and everyone is too afraid to call me? (which meant I called every hour to check up on her! yes I am that lame)
• Did some kid dive into the water while she was under water and break her neck/nose/back? (again, I was reassured she wasn't each time I called)
• Did she have enough to eat (apparently so, they got to go the the University's cafeteria- and I quote 'Mom, it was awesome! and Sheila taught me how to make Red Fanta! Just mix, mountain dew, sprite and fruit punch!' (YUM- gross)
• Did she get hit by lightning while in the water? (no she didn't and why is it that the week that she has swim camp we are scheduled to have thunderstorms each and every freaking day!?)

So by the end of the day, the director and I are on a first name basis, his wife got into a car accident and got free advice from me, and we laughed when I said- 'ok steven, talk to you tomorrow have a good night!'. Little does he know my kid is bringing a cell phone tomorrow- 'just in case'.

Could I be more pathetic!?

technorati-sex lies, tennis summer camp kids raising kids

Out of the mouth of my babe

Setting: Driving to school yesterday morning

We were talking about her new favorite colors- in order, they are baby blue, lime green, light purple and pink. She then asked if blue was meant for boys, asked me what a tomboy was, why boys liked dark colors and girls liked light colors and then I said...

"do you know the saying boys are made of snails, snakes and puppy dog tails?"

JR: 'ew...is THAT why they like dark colors? none of those are light and fluffy. What do they say girls are made of?'

'sugar and spice and everything nice'

JR: 'oh now that's nice.' (there was about a 2 minute silence and then) 'mom am i really made of sugar and spice and everything nice?'

'well let me smell you- (i smell her hand) hmm...you smell and tell me what it smells like'

JR: 'oh. ew. sorry i forgot to clean my hands after i pooped'

'yeah, no sugar and spice there, is there?'

JR: (laughing) 'no, who made that up anyways? who are 'they'?'

'i am still wondering about that one'

*Of note, I have purel and baby wipes in my glove box and she cleaned her hands as we were talking....will do hand inspection next time she leaves the bathroom.

Have a good weekend. I'm heading to my sister's to help her plant her garden in her new house.

Technorati Tag: kids parenting kids say funny things

There's no escape...

I'm my parents incarnated- I tend to use the same scare the crap out of my kid methods my parents used on me- don't believe me? take a look here:

JR: Mom, I forgot to tell you I had to learn (insert some weird prayer I forgot what the hell it is) by tomorrow. (I look at it and it's half a page- yeah right). We stay up until 9 and she manages to memorize 3/4 of it).

Next morning

Me: You know J, 3rd grade is tough- you are going to have a lot more homework each year and will need to learn to make priorities between tv, barbies and homework. You know your job is your school- you get good grades, and you get good things coming to you (here it comes)...you get bad grades, and I'll put you in public school in the really bad part of town.

JR: Gasp!

Example #2

JR: Mom how come Zoey (Brit's good ole' sis) is having a baby?

Me: Oh I don't know- but I think it's a mistake, I mean you're not supposed to have babies until you are old enough to - well you can't have a baby that soon- you have to wait.

JR: I know mom, I'm not dating until I'm 20.

Me: That sounds good.

JR: but what would happen if...

Me: (here it comes) there is no "IF" end of story. If you ever get pregnant and you're not married, living on your own and well established, I will take you to La Perla (ghetto in PR where they perform witchcraft and abortions with hangers- or so I hear), and you'll be taken care of there.
---
Seriously WTF is wrong with this picture? That just came out of me like verbal diarrhea and all of the sudden it was like my father was telling me this shit just yesterday! And why such extremes? I can say however, that it worked for me. I was so scared and if you've ever been in Old San Juan, La Perla is that little neighborhood outside the fort's walls, you have to look down because they are almost on the water. That, is considered to be one of the worst parts of the island. They say if you don't live there and are not invited in, if you just go 'browse' you don't come out. But that's 'they' and I don't know who 'they' are anymore.

Quandry

Since my daughter has been able to talk, she's always expressed her desire to be in pictures. Magazine pictures, movies, tv shows, you name it. I hate nothing more than kids on tv- don't know why. But...to appease her at one point, I sat her down and said: 'listen kid, if you still say this 3 years from now, during the summer, we'll check things out'. Now I realize I should have said 10 years from now because now that she's 8, and 3 years later, this weekend she said:

"mom now that summer is coming remember how you told me when I was 8 you'd take me and see if someone will put my picture in magazines, remember?"

Stumped. I was stumped. I could not believe this kid remembered this and now what was I supposed to say? On the one hand I don't want to disappoint her or not support her if it's really something she wants- but at 8, how do you know what you really want? And on the other hand, I don't want her to be rejected and have her feelings hurt because what mother does? And when do you stop trying in order to validate her 'wants'? I for sure don't want to be a stage mom and how bad is it that even though I think my kid is beautiful, I just think she's not 'model' beautiful? I see the kids in catalogs and they are 'different' looking than my offspring- I just don't think she's a match. Talent is another thing- I know she can be a drama queen but could she act? I dunno.

BUT I told her we would do this: I would call a couple of the agencies I find acceptable after researching them through SAG and submit her photo to a couple agencies. If we heard something great; if not, we'd try again the next summer. She was fine with this except told me to please send her photo out to 10 companies- not just 2. Do you see what I'm dealing with here? Anyways, she won't know- so I will just do 4 or 5 at the most. I'm nervous though just because of the rejection part of it. What do you tell your kid when we don't hear anything after the 4-6 week window they ask you to wait to hear? How do I not mess with her self esteem? She's not going to let it go.

So what would you do?

This kid is making me get old way too soon before my time.

technorati tags:kids mothers modeling

While I wasn't looking...

a boy HIT on my kid...the problem is...She's ONLY EIGHT!! AND she's MY kid!!! Can you freaking believe it!?

When I realized what was happening, my face just went numb, I saw my daughter turn her head and try to explain to this boy (who was actually kinda cute in an awkward way and I would say he was like 11 or 12) how she knows the words to some song from Aerosmith (Guitar Hero). And then they were talking while I quietly observed. And it was not planned on my part, I just froze. I really wanted to I don't know, spit on my hands and try to clean the peanut butter stain off her cheek, do something really embarassing but I couldn't. I saw it happening and in my head everything was in slow motion and I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. For all I know he knows our number. Thank God the line moved and we got separated. The boy said bye and asked ME what ride would we do next I said we were going to go to dinner kinda far away (really that came out) and then he asked me again where we lived. (Yeah like I was going to tell the psycho were we lived). JR looked at me with THAT look which said 'wait a minute, I can't lie and now you're lying!' and I just pushed her along to get on the left side of the line.

We later discussed as to why the white lie and I tried my best to say for all we knew he could be a serial killer...but much nicer of course.

I'm sure this is what she looked like to him:


But in reality, this is what she still loves (thank GOD!):


Goodness gracious! What's next?
You all have a great weekend- we're off to Puerto Rico tomorrow for a big, fancy wedding and I have yet to clean, pack and get my stuff together. How fun! Woo hoo!

I'm the 'Torturizer'

or so says my daughter. Here's what happened:

Friday as you know, I was on crack and had volunteered to a short stint in Hellando also known as Orlando. We were going to Universal Studios Friday afternoon/evening and then Disney Saturday morning (we have year passes which is proof I've been on crack more than once).

In the morning, she had her playdate- the kid would NOT shut up but whatever, it was over and just in time because my head was about to pop. I'm driving and J is whining about this, whining about that, just pissing me off and apparently the crack was wearing off. When I finally snapped and responded to one of her whiny comments: 'well it won't matter anymore since I turned around a while back and we'll be home in 20 minutes'. Then it was Niagara Falls. "Mommy I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I did this morning".

Me: Oh really? Well tell me what you did
JR: well I didn't follow your rules and took a lollipop to my room (MAJOR offense in my household because I'm anal retentive that way)
Me: a-ha...what else did you do? I know you did something else
JR: (bawling) Oh mom, I'm so sorry, but I hid some dirty clothes under the bed! I'm SO SO SORRY!!
Me: yup- and let me know what that got you now
JR: OH MOM I PINKY swear I will NEVER do that again! PROMISE!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! (and please picture major drama here, worthy of an oscar and me looking away because I just can't keep a straight face)

When suddenly we pass a sign that says: "Universal Studios 2 miles"

The tears stopped faster than you could say 'gotcha'. She turns to me and says 'HEY! You've been TRICKING ME!' We're here! We're here!!' and then she starts laughing and holding my hand and of course all the love is back.

A few minutes later, she says to me:

"Mom that wasn't very nice...I understand I was being bratty, but you went on with the trickery for too long. Next time please don't go on for so long, my feelings were hurt. You're a torturizer."

Yup that I am! :)

Part 2 of our 'adventure' coming up soon- I'm still trying to get over it.

I must be on crack

Oh I dunno...why did I volunteer to host a playdate with one of JR's friend- the one who needs to go on Ritalin. And my house is a mess because oh yeah, I have NO bathrooms. Do you know how bad it is to have to hold it in because you're so freaking lazy you don't want to go up the stairs to pee? One bathroom + 3 people = one angry mom.

And to top it all off, I volunteered to take JR to Disney tomorrow afternoon, after we drop off Ms. Ritalin at her house, we will begin our drive, go to a park, our hotel and then do the park thing again tomorrow and drive back. I volunteered to do this when I was PMSing because I was being such a raging bitch, I felt bad. I must be losing it because WHY DO I WANT TO DO THAT when there are 20 other things that need to be done at my house?

And now I am thinking that being a raging bitch sometimes comes with the territory and maybe, just maybe, my kid needs to learn to adjust to my mood swings without equating a mood swing with a reward at the end. The only one who wins here is Mr. because he gets some much coveted 'quiet' time. It's my 'birthday weekend'!!! I want the quiet time damn it.

Somehow, I screwed this one up- I don't get the quiet time, I end up with more kids than I'm used to, I have no bathrooms, my house is a huge giant, dust bunny in need of a good cleaning (my maid has kidney stones- GREAT timing for me! yay!), and oh yeah, I get to sleep on the couch because it's so dusty in the master bedroom, I just can't bear to breathe in there without going into an allergy fit.

This is going to be a great weekend!